What Now?

Graduation is tomorrow.  Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited and I'm not really sure what to say.  I mean, yes, I'm obviously excited.  I worked my ass off for this degree and I was surprised to find out I'm graduating summa cum laude (highest honors) which made me feel even better about all of my hard work especially with Ashland's very tough grading scale (to get a 4.0 out of a class, you need a 96%).
However, I've always had something to do next.  I always had another step in my education.  I had LCCC courses to complete, then getting accepted into Ashland, then completing those courses.  Now, I have nothing.  There is no other step and I feel as if I have completely failed.

I have no idea what the next step of my life is.  I have no money, no job, and my room isn't even fucking clean.  I guess I should just clean my room and get my license then figure it out from there.

Like You Might Make A Mistake

1. Student teaching is FINISHED. Now I'm just getting tossed into the real world.  Which is both very exciting and scary because there are no jobs for teachers available around here.  Not that I really want one yet.  I don't want to settle into a career while I'm still young.  There's so much more I want to do.  However, now there's the pressure of student loans.  How am I to pay back loans without a really good job?  I still feel so stuck.

2. I had a wonderful day with Evan today.  I swear our relationship keeps blossoming even after five years.  It's wonderful. <3 p="">
3. It finally feels like summer!  Well, kind of.  The weather has been absolutely amazing.  For once it's Sunday and I look forward to Monday because I don't have school.  Most fabulous feeling ever.

4. Commencement is Saturday already.  Time sure did fly by.  Hello, real world.

Grabby Hands

1. Exactly three weeks until graduation and two weeks left of placement.  I have quite a bit to get done but I'm feeling pretty good.  I feel like I survived the worst and ready to race to the finish.

2. I get to pick up my cap and gown tomorrow along with attending the service and awards conference.  I'm sure it will all feel more real tomorrow.

3. It's hard to work on things when Han Solo is distracting me.  And books.  It's always Han Solo and books.

4. In other news, my hair has become freakishly long.  Which is also annoyingly long.  Like my natural wave just appears and is all HEY let me ruin your day with my wavitude and get's all Miley Cyrus on me because it can't be tamed.

5. I WANT TO GO TO THE BOOKSTORE DAMMIT.  A few weekends ago when my mom and I went down to Columbus and I went to my favorite Half Price Books location, I found Star Wars graphic novels of episode I and III.  Now I just need them all.  I also found first edition paperbacks of episodes V and VI.  Excitement happened and now I just look at them all the time.

6. The Wanted just makes me happy.  Screw you, One Direction.  Which reminds me that the boys in my class keep saying Justin Bieber kissed the Jonas Brothers.  I think they are getting to the point of being jealous these boys are getting attention from the girls in their class.  It's greatly amusing.  I'm also glad that since I'm from an impoverished area, my second graders understand my sarcasm.  WHICH IS WONDERFUL.

7. I need to clean my room.  Actually, I really need to wash my dress pants.  I should stop making things more complicated than they are.

Summer 2013 To Do List

• Get license.
• Get a job.
• Go to:
• Cedar Point
• Detroit Zoo
• Upstate New York
• Indians Game
• Beach (many times)
• Sunset stroll on the beach with Evan while eating ice cream because sometimes I can be a girly shit like that.
• Have an epic adventure day with friends.
• Keep my room clean.
• Tan my damn legs.

Still Hopeful

1.  Evan and I have come to realization yesterday (on our five year anniversary) that we've been arguing so much recently because we are both at the point where we have no idea what we're doing with our lives.  Before, I was like his crutch because I knew what I was doing and now that I have no idea, we realize we both just feel lost and that's causing us to lash out at each other.  Once that was figured out we just goofed around and watched Mulan, The Lion King, and half of Beauty and Beast before I needed to go home because my contacts were driving me nuts.  Earlier in the day we went to the zoo and had yummy food at Outback.  Normally for our anniversary we always go to Olive Garden but we thought five years should be different so we went to Outback instead.

2. As much as I love the Cleveland zoo, it's making me sad every time I go there.  Most of the exhibits seem so dilapidated and you hardly see most of the animals anymore.  I did receive exciting news that we're planning on going back to the Detroit zoo this summer.  We went to the Detroit zoo on our chain of zoos weekend vacation in May of 2010.  The Detroit zoo has stood in the spot as my favorite zoo of all time since.  I'm so excited to finally get back there.

3. I'm finally getting used to solo teaching and it isn't as stressful as it was in the beginning to the point where I don't loathe it as much anymore.  However, it still doesn't make me want to be a typical teacher right away.  Maybe down the line, but not right away.  It just seems like the world is full of so many different opportunities, I don't want to leap into this right away.  I want to experience other things to see what I like.  Evan is anxious to get out of his job but also doesn't know what he wants to do.  We both know we want a beach house in Bay Village but don't expect it to happen.  We can dream. XD

4. Graduation is exactly 40 days away.

5. Here's hoping the summer is full of epic adventures.

Giving No Fucks

1.  It's been a rough ass week.  As in, I haven't had a week as bad as the past one in a loooong time.  Now I can handle quite a bit of shit so even a bad week may not seem that bad to me.  This one however was shitty mcshittington.  Issues at school, issues with personal life, issues with family.  You name it, it was in my week.  I will never forget this week and I'll probably always burst into tears at the mention of it.

2.  I'm pretty sure I don't want to be a regular school teacher anymore.  Student teaching is a struggle everyday and while I feel somewhat accomplished, I'm not having fun with it.  I'm not enjoying it as much as I should.  I cannot be one of those who just sticks with a job just because.  I must enjoy my job.  I'm not enjoying this.  I dread doing it everyday.  I'm counting down the days until I'm finished with it.

3. It needs to just be May already so I can have my summer and enjoy it.

All Out of Faith

I don't think I've ever felt so lost in my life.  I just want to be finished and move on with everything.  Though I'm not sure how I would move on yet.  It seems like nothing that I want to do will give me enough money to make a living on my own.  I'm not sure if what I'm in school for is what I want to do.  Can't I get paid to read books?  Can't I work at a zoo or museum teaching people about the things they are looking at? I want to be that one person who gave them a little something extra to walk away with on their visit.  Give stickers to kids and give them the opportunity to see a giraffe skull.  At first I loved growing up.  Now, I kind of want to take it back.  Student teaching is making me go out of my mind.  I don't feel like myself anymore.  I don't feel motivated anymore.  It feels as if the fun has been sucked out of everything and I don't even know what I'm doing.  I dread walking into the building every morning.  I always forget something I needed to do that day.  There's never enough time, the kids don't listen, the parents are crazy, and I'm just worn out and tired because there's a million things I still have to do.  I have pressure from everywhere to have every little detail planned and to be completely perfect.
This isn't who I am.

Later Than Expected or Preferred

1. It sucks that in two months I'll be getting a degree that I'm not sure I want anymore.  While I love teaching, I don't like the typical classroom setting or being a typical teacher.  I want to teach kids at the zoo about animals or families about the history behind things in a museum, national landmark, or park.  I want to work at a bookstore and give recommendations or for a publishing company where I get paid to read books and write reviews on them.  How do I get jobs like that?  I can't imagine having to walk into the same classroom everyday.  I need change.  I don't know what to do.

2.  Well I guess my start should be to finish where I'm at and plow through what I have to finish before graduation so I can graduate.  At least then I'll have a bachelor's to my name and that sounds like a good start.  Next, I need to get my license so I can get a job this summer.  I'd like to work at a summer camp or something or Half Price Books, Books a Million, or Barnes and Noble.  Something with books I would also like.  Having a retail job would be a kick-start into the real world.

3.  Evan doesn't know what he wants to do either so at least I have someone to be lost with.

I Can't Help It, I'm Impatient

1. Almost finished with my first month of student teaching.  It's definitely been an experience.  I'm learning so much it's crazy.  I'm learning even more of the struggles teachers go through everyday.  It's very intense and sometimes I wonder why I got myself into this.  I'm taking a chance to help my students grow and gain knowledge and I'm not quite sure what could be better than that.

2. Passed my final Praxis test.  Which apparently is just in time because I heard from one of my friends who's in her field experience today and is still at the college for classes that the state of Ohio is changing the company that they are accepting the tests from (so it won't be Praxis anymore) and these tests don't have study guides or practice tests to review beforehand so you kind of have an idea of what to expect.  They also won't allow you to pass some of your tests using Praxis and some using the new company.  They must all be the same company or it's void and you have to start over.  Ridiculous.

3. So I finally figured out that I love Evan like mad and I absent mindedly said something along the lines of wanting one of our engagement photos to be in front of the Washington building (where we first met) of our high school (ironically the only part of it still standing from when we attended there because it's beautifully historic).  He said "You're serious about us now?  I've been waiting to hear that for a long time."  So it's pretty awesome we're on the same page now because I had no idea he felt that way.  He has been going out of his way to make me happy the past couple months which is very appreciated.  For some reason he has plans to bake me a cake this weekend.

4. With my very very VERY hectic schedule I've hardly had time for pleasure reading, which is killing me.  I also haven't had time for exercise which I'm not happy about because I wanted to do another half in the spring but I don't have time to train.  It blows.  Though I did manage to watch like 4 movies this past weekend even though I really shouldn't have.  Shame, I know I'll regret it later but damn, I need my weekends.

Young Nocturnal Cerebral

1.  I'm officially a week into student teaching.  I've went through conferences, handed out awards at an awards ceremony, took on a lot of morning stuff in the classroom, and may be helping the principal with a project.  I believe things are off to a good start.  My mentor teacher is so wonderful, I feel so lucky to have her.  The students are just as inspiring.  There are a few stragglers I'm determined to motivate to do their best before I must leave.  I expect this to be a wonderful learning experience.  I'm already learning so much already, it's insane.

2.  So far things that are keeping me sane include receiving letters from Kali, Evan, and Star Wars.  Surprisingly tumblr when people aren't posting a MILLION things that keep me from seeing my SW things.  Especially when I only get to browse twice a day.

3.  Unfortunately, there is hardly any time for reading.  It's mostly sleeping, eating, and being in the classroom trying like hell not to get sick.  Unfortunately there's an annoying tickle in my throat today that I'm really hoping doesn't turn into anything else.  Being in the classroom is really exhausting to the point where I need to get at least 8 hours a night or else the next day I have a headache that won't go away.  Let's hope this lets up because I hardly have the time to sleep that long.

4.  I start taking over the subject of reading next week which I'm quite nervous about because it's scripted and I really, really, REALLY hate scripted subjects.  They expect you to cram so much in such a small time frame, at times it seems nearly impossible.  The majority of the stories it gives are also boring.  However, most schools have at least one scripted subject, though normally it's reading and math.  Personally, I'm not a fan.

5.  See?  It's only 7:15pm and I'm tired.  But I have been up for almost 14 hours so I suppose it makes sense.

6. Since Valentine's Day was shit last year (Evan didn't even say 'Happy Vday' until I said something at like 9 at night, that's all I ask for!), I know Evan switched his schedule with a co-worker so he could have the evening off that day.  I have no idea what he has planned but he informed me we're doing something.  It's already better than last year!  I'm pretty excited.  It will also be nice because since Vday falls on a Thursday, the school happens to be closed that Friday and also Monday for Presidents' Day.  Hello, four day weekend!  Probably mostly spent writing lesson plans...